Starting Scripts To Have Courageous, and Crucial, Conversations
This article was originally written as a follow-up to a talk called, “Facing the Elephants,” with a room full of Executive Pastors at the XPastor conference in Dallas, Texas.
But whether you lead a church, nonprofit, team, or business, you already know this:
The hardest part of a crucial conversation is not knowing what to say next.
It’s knowing how to start.
The research behind Crucial Conversations tells us these moments happen when…
Opinions differ
The stakes are high
Emotions are elevated
In ministry leadership, that describes succession, staffing shifts, board alignment, founder transitions, and performance conversations. Most leaders do not avoid these conversations because they lack courage.
They avoid them because they lack a starting sentence.
So below are practical starting scripts - organized by situation - that you can adapt to your voice and context. They are warm, direct, and grounded in care for both people and mission.
1. When You Need To Raise Succession
This is often the most avoided conversation in ministry.
Instead of:
“We need to talk about your retirement.”
Try:
“I care deeply about you and about the long-term health of this ministry. I’d love for us to start thinking ahead together about what the next season might look like — even if it’s a few years away.”
Or:
“You’ve built something meaningful here. I want to make sure we steward that well into the future. Can we begin a conversation about succession planning in a way that honors your leadership?”
Or, if tension already exists:
“I don’t want this to feel sudden or reactive. I want this to feel thoughtful and faithful. Could we start a conversation about what continuity looks like beyond any one of us?”
These openings do three things:
They affirm the leader.
They widen the time horizon.
They position succession as stewardship, not threat.
2. When There Is Staff Misalignment
This is where leaders often default to either avoidance or blunt correction.
Instead of:
“This isn’t working.”
Try:
“I want to talk about alignment — between this role and your strengths — and how we best serve the mission moving forward.”
Or:
“I’ve been reflecting on how this role is functioning, and I want to make sure we’re being fair to you and faithful to the organization. Can we explore whether this is the right fit long-term?”
Or:
“I value you as a person. That’s why I don’t want to let misalignment linger. Can we talk honestly about what’s working and what’s not?”
These scripts separate identity from role.
They reduce defensiveness.
They keep the mission central.
3. When The Board Is Avoiding Hard Questions
Executive Pastors often see what others are hesitant to name.
Instead of:
“We’re not dealing with this.”
Try:
“I sense there’s an issue we all feel but haven’t fully named. For the sake of clarity and unity, could we take time to talk about it directly?”
Or:
“If this continues for another year without discussion, what might it cost us? I think it’s worth bringing into the open.”
Or:
“I’m not raising this to create tension. I’m raising it because I care about the health of this board and this ministry.”
Boards resist confrontation. They respond to stewardship.
4. When You Need To Address Founder Dependency
This conversation is delicate. It touches identity.
Instead of:
“You’re too central to everything.”
Try:
“You’ve been instrumental in building this. I want to make sure the organization is strong enough to thrive even beyond any one person. Can we talk about how we develop leadership depth?”
Or:
“I don’t want your legacy to depend on your presence alone. I want it to multiply. What would it look like to intentionally build bench strength?”
Or:
“What would need to be true for you to step away someday with confidence that the mission is secure?”
This shifts the conversation from limitation to legacy.
5. When Trust Has Eroded
Sometimes the conversation is relational before it is strategic.
Instead of:
“This is your fault.”
Try:
“I sense some tension between us, and I don’t want that to grow unspoken. Can we slow down and talk about what’s happening?”
Or:
“I may be misreading this, but I feel some frustration in the room. I’d rather talk about it than let it simmer.”
Or:
“I care more about our relationship than about being right. Can we back up and reset?”
These openings lower temperature and invite honesty.
6. When You’re Simply Afraid To Start
Sometimes you just need twenty seconds of courage.
Here are simple, direct openings that carry both warmth and strength:
“I’ve been carrying something I think we need to talk about.”
“There’s a conversation I’ve been hesitant to initiate, but I believe it’s important.”
“I may not get this perfectly right, but I care enough to start.”
“This might feel uncomfortable, but I believe it’s necessary.”
That’s it.
You don’t need a dissertation. You need a doorway.
A Final Word
Crucial conversations are rarely about information. They are about alignment.
They are moments where you decide whether you will protect short-term comfort or long-term health.
And sometimes, the only difference between avoidance and progress is a single sentence.
If you are staring at a conversation you know needs to happen — succession planning, staffing shifts, board tension, founder transition — and you’re unsure how to frame it or facilitate it, that is exactly what we do at Ministry Transitions.
We help organizations, and the individuals inside those organizations, have courageous and crucial conversations about change.
We help you:
Clarify the issue.
Frame the opening.
Facilitate the dialogue.
Build structure so it does not happen again in crisis.
You do not have to initiate these conversations alone. Sometimes leadership begins with a sentence.
If you need help finding yours, reach out.
Matt Davis served as a Teaching and Executive Pastor for more than two decades in Orange County, California. After going through his own pastoral transition out of ministry, Matt learned the difficulty of this season. He helped start Ministry Transitions, a ministry committed to helping ministry leaders navigate transitions with grace. As President, he seeks to bring healing a reconciliation to churches and their people.
