Deeply Loved: Why Empathy Is Oxygen for the Soul
Feeling spent and strangely numb? Empathy is not optional for the soul. This longform piece explores how Jesus meets our emotions, why leaders burn out in empathy deserts, and how to rebuild a secure attachment with God through simple practices that restore breath and boldness.
The Ache You Keep Ignoring
There is a subtle ache that faithful people learn to hide. Your calendar is full. Your inbox is clean. Your sermons and staff meetings are thoughtful. Yet inside there is a quiet flatness. You are still doing the work. You are not sure you can feel it.
Sometimes we call it fatigue. Sometimes we baptize it as sacrifice. Often, it is a lack of oxygen. You have been breathing thin air for so long you forgot what fresh air feels like.
Empathy is oxygen for the soul.
Empathy is what makes love believable. It is how God’s love moves from doctrine to dinner table, from creed to cortisol. It is the experience of being seen and still wanted. When empathy is present, your nervous system settles. Your shoulders come down. Your soul remembers it is safe to be honest.
The Empathy Desert
Many of us grew up in places where emotions were tolerated only when they were tidy. Anger was called rebellion. Tears were called drama. Needs were quietly shamed. In church settings, zeal sometimes masked emptiness, and performance passed for maturity. We learned to offer compassion and hide our longings. We became very good at giving and very poor at receiving.
If that is your story, you are not defective. You are dehydrated. You learned to live in an empathy desert. Fresh water is coming.
Jesus and the Easy Yoke
Jesus does not invite us into a productivity sprint. He invites us into His yoke. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28 to 29).
A yoke is for work. Jesus is not removing calling. He is changing how calling is carried. The easy yoke is Jesus’ easy way of doing hard things. It is work done with God, not just for God. That language sounds simple until you try it. To work with God you must be with God. To be with God you must bring your real self. To bring your real self you must risk being seen.
Presence before performance.
The Secure Attachment of Jesus
Watch Jesus move through the Gospels and you will see a rhythm of attachment. He withdraws to lonely places to pray. He names God as Abba. He begins ministry hearing the Father’s voice of delight before He has accomplished anything in public. Then He spends forty days in the wilderness feeding on Scripture and intimacy, not on applause. That is not avoidance. That is formation.
Even in agony, Jesus is honest. “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death.” He invites Peter, James, and John to stay near. He tells the truth about what He feels and asks for companionship in the night. He prays, “Not my will, but Yours,” which is not a denial of emotion. It is devotion in the middle of emotion.
Hebrews says we have a High Priest who empathizes with our weaknesses. He is not detached. He understands us from the inside, because He has walked inside a body like ours, felt pressure like ours, and cried prayers with tears like ours (Hebrews 4:14 to 16).
If the sinless Son needed empathy, you do too.
Why Leaders Burn Out
Leaders burn out when they try to run on principle without presence, on doctrine without delight, on service without being served by God. The machine can keep moving on charisma, skill, and duty long after the soul has gone quiet. That is not faithfulness. That is danger.
There is a painful pattern that often precedes burnout. You stop naming your needs to God. You stop telling the truth to safe friends. You grow allergic to rest. You forget what joy feels like. You keep producing. People thank you. You grow lonelier.
Burnout is not simply too much work. It is too little connection.
Receiving Before You Give
“We love because He first loved us” is not a slogan. It is the spiritual order of operations. You cannot consistently give what you refuse to receive. When leaders learn to receive empathy, they recover energy, humility, and clarity.
What does receiving look like? It looks like taking Jesus at His word. It looks like finding one or two safe people who can sit with you, ask curious questions, and mirror God’s compassion back to you. It looks like naming what you feel without apology. It looks like breathing prayer between sentences. It looks like refusing to rush to solutions so your heart can be heard.
This is not self-indulgence. This is discipleship. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” is not a pastoral strategy for your congregation only. It is medicine for you too.
The Four A’s of Empathy
Here is a simple practice you can bring into your marriage, your team, and your own soul today.
Ask. Create space with a gentle invitation. “Can you help me understand what this week has felt like for you?” If you are the one in need, ask to be heard. “Do you have ten minutes to listen? I do not need fixing. I need a friend.”
Attune. Listen for emotion beneath events. If you are receiving empathy, practice self empathy. Name what is happening in you without judgment. “I feel embarrassed that I am this tired. I also feel relieved to say it out loud.”
Acknowledge. Reflect the significance of what you heard. “No wonder you are anxious. Anyone carrying that load would be.” If you are the one being heard, let it land. Do not deflect with humor. Agree with grace.
Affirm. Call out strength you see. “Your honesty is courageous. I respect the way you are seeking God in this.” Save affirmation for the end, so it lands as love for the person, not praise for performance.
Empathy turns presence into healing.
Empathy in Hard Transitions
Empathy is not only for soft moments. It belongs in the hardest rooms.
If you just lost a role, empathy gives you a place to grieve without self-contempt. If you are burning out, empathy slows you down long enough to feel what your body has been trying to tell you for months. If you must sit with someone and end their employment, empathy is the way you honor their dignity and tell the truth without violence.
The presence of empathy does not erase pain. It carries it with care so that bitterness does not harden and shame does not swallow you whole. It also prepares the ground for forgiveness. You can bless those who hurt you when you have been blessed in your hurt.
A Few Practices for Thin-Air Days
Take one slow walk this week without your phone. Tell God what you feel, not what you think you should feel.
Choose one friend and ask for a listening window. Ten to twenty minutes. No advice unless asked. Trade places.
Read Mark 1 and Luke 4. Notice how often Jesus withdraws. Notice the fruit when He returns.
When fear rises, breathe the name Abba on the inhale and “I am Yours” on the exhale.
In a tense meeting, silently name the other person’s likely emotion. Let it soften your tone.
After a hard day, practice the Four A’s with a spouse or trusted friend. Keep it simple and kind.
A Blessing for the Breathless
May you be given friends who listen like Jesus.
May you hear the Father’s delight before you make another plan.
May you feel the Spirit’s comfort where you have been carrying pain alone.
May your yoke be easy because it is shared.
May your soul remember how to breathe.
You are deeply loved. Breathe that in. Then pass it on.
If you want a guided next step, Bill and Kristi Gaultiere’s book, Deeply Loved, pairs biblical reflection with practical exercises that train you to receive and reflect God’s empathy. Their retreats and spiritual direction are a gentle on-ramp back to presence and joy.
With 25+ years in faith-based executive leadership, Matt Davis knows the wins, the losses, and everything in between. As Executive Pastor, he led a team of 140+, tackling the challenges that come with big vision and real impact. As President of Ministry Transitions, he guides churches through tough leadership changes. Matt and his wife, Marilee, host the Life After Ministry Podcast, where they dive into real talk with former pastors who’ve found their kingdom assignment beyond church walls - unfiltered stories of grit, growth, and God’s purpose beyond the pulpit.
